That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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