I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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