i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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