Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
