On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
