Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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