the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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