fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
