"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
