Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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