My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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