hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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