I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
