I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
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