dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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