trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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