I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
