You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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