About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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