i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
