is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
