Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Randomize
