There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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