it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
So many bounce houses so little time
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Randomize
