i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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