i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
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