my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
