Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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