y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Naked Twister starts at high noon
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
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