my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Randomize