giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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