Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
