its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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