My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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