I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Randomize
