Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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