I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
