Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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