allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
