u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
