I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
