I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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