she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
