I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
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Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
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Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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