When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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