please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
