I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
