you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
