We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
