fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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