Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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