it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
