we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
