Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i drank out of a bidet.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
