Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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