you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
