you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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