Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
