i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Randomize
