I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
