this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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